Dear soon-to-be momma,
Here’s what I wish I knew about breastfeeding and why I’d never do it again. I hope this helps you make an informed choice about your own plans to feed baby.
I never researched breastfeeding. I just assumed it came with the baby-having territory. And I was far too preoccupied with the pain of labor and delivery to even think about what breastfeeding would be like. And heck, I don’t know, I guess I thought the worse thing that could happen would be milk not coming in or baby not latching in which case I would cut my losses and move to formula. I, of course, read the headlines “Living your life in 3 hour increments” but I didn’t do extensive research and I didn’t read real stories of real mom’s experiences with breastfeeding and pumping exclusively.
Oh boy did I have another thing coming! I’m writing this now because I want every new mom to make an intentional choice about breastfeeding with all of the facts. Not just some surface level cliche about “fed is best” or “breast is best”. It’s not just about your moral belief in the right thing to do for baby. Or even the science of the best way to feed. Breastfeeding is a commitment your whole family is making and it’s worth being intentional about making that choice. If I had known what it would really be like, I would have opted out up front.
If I had known what breastfeeding would really be like, I would have opted out up front.
1. Your boobs aren’t yours
And no, I don’t mean they’re a precious gift you’re sharing with your child. I mean the nurses at the hospital are handsy-AF. I went in thinking I would of course try breastfeeding because that’s just what you do. But the hospital staff push it on you so hard it’s as if there’s no other way. They accost you with their grabby hands pinching and squeezing your nipples to get colostrum out and cheer when you get a single drop (which didn’t look like it could feed an ant let alone a 6lb baby). And when day two rolled around and my milk still hadn’t come in and I was worried about my crying, born-slightly-small infant getting enough nutrients, formula wasn’t even an option. We asked if they would bring us formula just to hold her over until my milk came in and instead, the nurse came back with a breast pump kit and said, “here let’s try pumping instead”. I’m like what!? I need to feed this screaming baby!! So not only do I feel like crap for not making milk, but I have to convince the hospital staff that my baby needs to be fed.
Gather round everyone! It’s time to pump!
2. You might not love being suckled
There I said it. I didn’t fall in the love with the feeling of my baby suckling my breast. Honestly, it felt kind of awkward and uncomfortable. Yes, at first, it’s painful and your nipples hurt. But I tried nursing my babe from the boob many times throughout my pumping exclusively journey and it just never felt right to me. So if you’re a new mom and you’re not in love with being suckled and milked like a cow, that’s okay! That’s what pumping exclusively is for!! #jokingnotjoking
3. It’s an ADDITIONAL full time job
So like I said, I didn’t really know what I was getting into. And while I’d read that breastfeeding was living life in 3 hour increments, I honestly thought “So what’s the big deal with that? I currently live life in 1 hour incremental meetings every day at work.” What I didn’t realize is that’s it’s a whole job on top of being on mom duty 24-7. And I had help!! That’s right — I had family in town doing the day shift and an incredible husband who did everything else around the house. And yet my life consisted solely of the pumping, feeding, changing, consoling schedule that everyone talks about. The thing is, that sequence makes it sound so simple (albeit monotonous). It really is more like juggling than a sequence. Here’s some examples:
Holding wailing infant who can’t hold her own head up balancing in one arm while trying to pull a bottle out of the fridge and pop it in the warmer.
Changing a blow out diaper in one room when new clothes are in the other but you can’t leave baby on the changing table so you have to hold poo covered infant while dancing around the house because you have to pee yourself.
Holding a bottle for baby in one hand while attaching breast pumps to your boobs and trying to eat lunch so that you don’t miss a meal.
Anyway, you get the picture. It’s literally trying to do 3-5 things at once with only two hands. Which by the way, holding an infant takes two hands! I can only imagine what single moms must go through — they’re true magicians.
It’s a whole job on top of being a mom 24-7
There literally isn’t time for anything else. And of course, as soon as you put baby down for a nap and you think you have a precious few moments to yourself, think again! I can’t even tell you how many times I started cleaning up one mess, throwing in a load of laundry, putting away a dish or two only to be promptly summoned back to my babe. It’s more physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting than any job I’ve ever had. And the pressure to produce the right amount and make sure baby is happy and healthy weighs down on you like a ton of bricks.
Pumping while trying to hold and console my little one.
4. It’s a giant pain in the boob
This should really be number one. CLOGGED DUCTS!!! If you’ve had ‘em, you know what I mean, enough said. But if you’re about to have a baby and you haven’t read up on clogged ducts, they are, in my humble opinion, THE WORST thing about breastfeeding. Imagine being so sore, so tender, and so engorged, with boobs that are harder than rocks that trying to hold and console your crying infant on your chest hurts like a mother! Not to mention the feverish chills and night sweats you get as a result. I tried everything I possibly could to avoid them: I drank orange juice, I took sunflower letchin (which definitely helped by the way), I avoided lactation muffins/cookies, I pumped regularly like clock work. And still, I would end up with throbbing shooting pain in my boobs and armpits so intense that even lifting up my arm hurt.
Clogged ducts were the reason I decided to quit breastfeeding.
I’m sure everyone is different, but by the seventh or eighth time I got clogged ducts, I was done. It was the straw that broke the camels back. And I was ready to quit breastfeeding. But...
5. Once you start you can’t just stop
That’s right! Breastfeeding is the gift that just keeps on giving. Deciding to stop was not an easy choice. I cried for days feeling guilty about giving my 3 month old formula (I’m not even sure why — I jumped at the chance to give it to her on day one!) Part of me didn’t want to give up producing for her, part of me felt like formula was too expensive, and yes, part of me wanted to keep burning calories to lose the baby weight. But it came down to this: I knew I had precious little time to enjoy my infant and I didn’t want to waste it being in pain or resentful. It wasn’t worth not being able to hold and snuggle her up to my chest.
Part of me didn’t want to give up producing for her, part of me felt like formula was too expensive, and yes, part of me wanted to keep burning calories to lose the baby weight.
Turns out deciding to quit was relatively easy compared to actually making it happen. And it would have been harder if my babe was on the boob. Luckily she was on a bottle pretty much from day one and she took to formula just fine (In fact I swear she likes it better that breastmilk!). Weaning her wasn’t the issue, but weaning myself was! I started by trying to eliminate pumping sessions and space them out. I was pumping 8 times throughout the day and night. But every time I tried to reduce my pumping time, my boobs would just feel uncomfortably full and I had to pump longer just to get relief to be able to fall asleep. (Meanwhile still juggling warming bottles and feeding baby).
6. Don’t cry over spilled milk?!
And as if all of that wasn’t enough, there’s the minutia, the logistics of breastfeeding that turned it from glorious motherly bonding to middle of the night nightmare. Like the fact that it’s impossible to pour and measure milk from one bottle to another in the pitch black room required to keep your babe asleep. And the fact that when you inevitably spill 5oz of your precious liquid gold you’re going to feel like screaming, but you can’t because, well, sleeping baby and now you need to wash the sheets! Or how about the bazillion bottles and pump parts that need cleaned after every single pump.
My go-to pumping setup.
And let me tell you, I spared no expense in trying to make the pumping game easier. I started out with the Lansinoh Electric Pump. Which worked great but with all of the parts is was a pain in the rear to clean. And I constantly felt tethered to the outlet. So I bought the Lansinoh hand pump to have so that I could actually leave the house, but again, so many parts to clean and dry. Then I thought I would take the plunge and try the Willow in-bra pump. Not only did it pinch my nipples like crazy, but again, the parts were so intricate and hard to clean, not to mention the fact that turning it over and getting the liquid to stay sealed in was a complete mess. Talk about not being able to see and manage pumping at night! Finally, I read great things about the Haakaa pump and I thought, what the heck, let’s give this a try. I liked that I could pretty much lay down in any position and the suction was strong enough to hold it on. But it wasn’t pulling out as much liquid as the Lansinoh and it was taking twice as long. So the freedom to move freely wasn’t worth the cost of the time it was taking.
I even bought myself a sweet water bottle to cure my extreme thirst while pumping!
Needless to say, I feel like I gave it a good college try, and still, there isn’t a gadget in the world that could make pumping exclusively not feel like an incredibly time consuming and exhausting adventure. Every time I have to put the pump on, I cringe and have to give myself a little pep talk.
Now, I know that everyone’s experience is different. Just like every baby is different, every momma is different. And I chose to pump exclusively which was twice the amount of work in many ways. But I wish I had known what I was getting myself into — I wish I had done as much research about breastfeeding as I did about labor and delivery. I wish I had known about the lifestyle choice I was making (not just for me but for my family — ie poor husband who washes all bottles and pump parts for me!) Breastfeeding is an enormous (and so far never-ending) commitment. And if I had it to do over, I would have kept my boobs and my sanity to myself. Taking care of an infant is hard enough — and being able to love and comfort her for me, outweighed any benefit she was getting from my milk.
So please soon-to-be-mommas our there, read up on breastfeeding! Go in eyes wide open knowing that you will of course make the best decision for you and your family with as much information as you can!
Sincerely,
A mom who tried
P.S. I’m writing this as I deal with the worst clogged duct I’ve had to date. My entire left boob is swollen and hard and my armpit is in so much pain I can’t even lift it to put on a hot compress. I still haven’t been able to ramp down my pumping beyond 40mins 4 times a day.